Being Fat and Still Living Living My Best Life

I’m fat.  I’ve talked about being fat before, but apparently, I have a bit more to say!

  One day a switch flipped in my head.  I realized that so much of my life was lost talking with people about losing weight and how to look better.  Disparaging statements such as “If I lose 30 pounds, I’d be happy with my body.”  Or “I hate getting my picture taken.  I look so fat” are commonplace.  Spending so much time loathing ourselves or looking for ways to lose weight to be happy is so wasteful.  How can someone possibly really enjoy their life if so many thoughts are about losing weight?

• Medical Professionals – The answer to every ailment a person of larger size may present with is that the person should lose weight.  Maybe you don’t realize you are discriminating against people of size.  However, if your first inclination is to tell your patient to lose weight - you likely are being discriminatory.  If someone of a smaller size comes into your office with a sore throat, you don’t tell them to lose weight.  You provide them treatment.  Someone of size may not have the same experience.  Someone’s weight may affect their physical condition, but that does not make someone unworthy of health care unless they radically change their body to meet some ideal.

• Fat shaming and fat stigma lead to poorer mental health and physical ailments.   If our first mandate is to do no harm, shaming people about their weight is not living up to that model.  Do you have any idea how many people I have seen over the years in my social work and therapy career that will not go to the doctor because the shaming of their weight is just too difficult to bear?   People are AFRAID of seeing their medical professionals.  How much healthier could individuals be if they felt as if their medical professional respected their bodies and didn’t dismiss them because of their weight.

• Research has indicated that weight cycling and dieting have not worked for individuals.  Sometimes the health and heart ramifications have caused more physical problems then not dieting would have caused. So why is lose weight the main advice given to people?

• The war on obesity has become a war on bodies.  Women are told the worst thing that can happen to them is to gain weight.  We are socialized to fight against shameful weight gain.  Only, the war on weight and our bodies have not led to an increase in weight loss to the ideal.  Instead, shaming and blame lead to increased depression, self-loathing, and ironically more weight gain!  Large individuals are devalued by society and treated as less than.

• Shaming and stigmatizing people because of their weight is a catalyst for people wanting to avoid feeling shamed and stigmatized.  Feeling shamed doesn’t mean someone will be motivated to lose weight; this means people don’t go to places – like a gym – where they will be stigmatized.  Avoiding activity and isolating due to weight shame and stigma is one way to see that shaming people for their weight is harmful.

• You can’t tell what a person eats by looking at them.  Also, it turns out someone’s weight is absolutely none of your business.

• I wonder what medical and mental health professionals are missing when weight is always the focus.  I am lucky and have a phenomenal primary care physician.  However, I also have disordered eating, and because I’m fat not even mental health professionals considered I had an eating disorder.  What are you missing about those in your world if you are focusing on weight loss as the answer to life’s problems?

If you are uncomfortable with my weight – that is on you.  I am not responsible for your comfort.  If you are uncomfortable with the look of anyone’s body, your comfort is not their responsibility.  Maybe ask yourself why is someone else’s body uncomfortable for you.  Are you trying to live up to the ideals of a white, patriarchal, often oppressive society that believes bodies are only beautiful if they are small and thin? Is this not an unattainable goal?  No one fits into these ideal women.  Even the women you might judge as the perfect ideal are likely wishing parts of their body or physical being could change. 

Size does not equal worth.  Smaller isn’t better, just like larger isn’t better.  We are all worthy and lovable and deserve respect.  In my life I’ve walked in a room and been grateful that there is a person who is bigger than me.  I have such internalized fat-phobia that I was thankful that someone else would be the outcast. How messed up is that?   Yet, I know that many other women have done the exact same thing.  When did our bodies become our enemies and become so important, we relish the imperfections of another?  How can hating fat people be helpful when this hate causes harm and separation? Why are any of us OK with a society that encourages us to loathe that which is outside the ideal?

When I wrote a post about being fat in the past, one person commented that if I was happy, then I am welcome to live my life fat. I am positive the writer meant that as a supportive comment.  However, I’ve realized I don’t need or desire anyone else’s permission to be happy.  I don’t need or desire anyone’s rubber stamp on my body. (OK – honestly – I probably still do desire the external validation but I am living with intent to challenge that desire.)

I hope you remember that you also need no one’s permission to have the body you have and love your whole being. I am hopeful that if each of us starts to accept and value ourselves that the tides will begin changing.  I hope that those who are able can speak up and challenge oppression in our society.  (And those who cannot speak up are gentle with themselves because everyone is not in a position to rock the boat.)  I hope that we start to teach our children that they are enough and that their body houses their soul and their body does not have to meet up to an idealized standard.

All the years I spent trying to be something I am not, means I have not been respecting my body. My struggle continues but I am going to keep fighting.  I have moments of buying into society’s ideal and wishing I could fit into the mold, but this is such a waste of my time.  I am my least authentic self when I battle my body.  The best response is for me to understand my body’s cues, work on understanding what my body wants me to know and honor my body despite struggles and because of imperfections. Respecting and loving my physical being is not a battle I plan on losing. 

Since I made some statements above some might question – I have included research regarding the idea of fatphobia, weight cycling, fat stigma and health at any size. 

Scholarly Articles ( And one facebook page) to check out.

Body Politics with Dr. Maria Paredes. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/BodyPoliticsWithDrParedes

Bombak, A. E. (2015). “Everybody watches and everybody comments.” Food, Culture & Society, 18(4), 681–700. https://doi-org.library.capella.edu/10.1080/15528014.2015.1088196

Clare, M. M., Ardron-Hudson, E. A., & Grindell, J. (2015). Fat in School: Applied Interdisciplinarity as a Basis for Consultation in Oppressive Social Context. Journal of Educational & Psychological Consultation, 25(1), 45–65. https://doi-org.library.capella.edu/10.1080/10474412.2014.929952

Fahs, B., & Swank, E. (2017). Exploring stigma of “extreme” weight gain: The terror of fat possible selves in womens responses to hypothetically gaining one hundred pounds. Womens Studies International Forum, 61, 1–8. doi: 10.1016/j.wsif.2016.12.004

Hunger, J. M., Major, B., Blodorn, A., & Miller, C. T. (2015). Weighed down by stigma: How weight-based social identity threat contributes to weight gain and poor health. Social and personality psychology compass, 9(6), 255–268. doi:10.1111/spc3.12172

Montani, J.-P., Schutz, Y., & Dulloo, A. G. (2015). Dieting and weight cycling as risk factors for cardiometabolic diseases: who is really at risk? Obesity Reviews, 16, 7–18. doi: 10.1111/obr.12251

FIVE EASY WAYS TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

We all get stuck, stuck in our thoughts, stuck in our routines, and stuck in our feelings. The invention of electronic devices often robs us of opportunities to experience the complex beauty of the present moment.  Though our bodies are physically present rarely are our minds. The term mindfulness was coined not too long ago, (1979), however mindfulness practice originates thousands of years ago from Eastern religions including Hinduism and Buddhism. Mindfulness is defined as intentional consciousness of our activities and surroundings.  Just by being aware of the sensory world around us, we experience mindfulness. Mindfulness comes with countless benefits including clarity of focus, decreased stress, lowered heart rate, and lowered anxiety levels. Mindfulness is one of my favorite counseling tools to use because with regular practice, it regulates anxiety, stress, and anger.  The great thing about mindfulness is that it can be incorporated into almost every daily activity!

EAT MINDFULLY

Something routine as eating can be turned into a mindful activity. Instead of eating your food in a rush, give yourself the time to savor the meal.  Sit down at a comfortable spot, and experience the taste and texture of the food. Allow your tongue to welcome any fusions of flavors from your meal. Most important when eating mindfully is to put away electronic devices. These devices only serve to distract us.

GET LOST IN THE FLOW OF WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING

My favorite time to get lost in the flow is when I’m cleaning or writing. Whether you like to clean or do something else, any activity you are immersed in is a great way to be mindful.  If you find yourself being distracted away by your thoughts, gently acknowledge it, and guide yourself to what you were doing. Mindfulness does not mean avoiding every thought, but observing these thoughts like passing ships and returning to the present.

TAKE MENTAL PICTURES

Many of us take countless pictures to share on snapchat, Instagram, or Facebook, but how often do we fully experience the awesomeness of what is in front of us? The next time you are at a concert, a festival, or some other event, take one picture and then put away the phone. When you are not fidgeting with your phone to take the perfect picture, you allow yourself to experience the moment to its fullest.  Use your senses to snap “mental pictures” of your surroundings.

PRACTICE MINDFUL DRIVING

If you are anything like me, I have a habit of listening to music or NPR (National Public Radio) on my way to work. Usually I am present enough to pay attention to traffic lights and oncoming cars, but rarely do I drive in silence and observe all that is around me. The next time you are driving to or from work, take the first five or ten minutes of your drive to practice mindfulness. Take notice of your breathing, how your body feels, the road, and traffic around you. Check out this link: https://www.wildmind.org/applied/daily-life/mindful-driving for ten ways to practice mindful driving.

JOURNAL DISTRACTING THOUGHTS

Thoughts getting in the way of you being present? Write them down! Our minds get so cluttered with mind chatter; often we end up in endless cycles of thoughts that make it difficult for us to be focused on the present. Don’t think of what to write or how you are going to write, just write! Doesn’t matter if it’s scribbles, words, or phrases. Writing for five or ten minutes each night before bed is a great way to release any lingering worries and thoughts that may make it difficult to sleep.

Most of the activities listed above are ones we do on a daily basis.  The only ingredient which makes these activities into mindful activities is awareness. Practicing mindfulness doesn’t mean avoiding unwelcome thoughts, but rather acknowledging they exist and focusing back to the present.

Let Go Of Envy

Envy creeps into all of our lives from time to time. Recently on social media I saw someone’s successful project of something I really am interested in completing.  For just a second (or two) petty Julie thought “I’m not going to like that post” as if the person even cared or as if I wouldn’t be disappointed in myself for letting envy get the best of me.  Thankfully, my better angels prevailed and I liked the post because I do wish others well and hope for people to be successful.  I reminded myself of these three things to help tamp down any envy.

·It isn’t for you.

Whatever you may be seeing and desiring of someone else's – it isn’t yours and it isn’t meant for you.  I remind myself that it is OK that others have things I don’t or have an easier time in a situation than I do.  What others have is not mine and has nothing to do with me.  They have their journey and I have mine.  Someone else’s triumphs do not take away from anything I have.  I am not less because someone else has more or has done more than I have.  I only need to concentrate on myself, what is mine and what lessons I am here to learn.

Do not judge or compare to other people’s highlights.

Many times, we are guilty of comparing ourselves to others.  Look at any social media and see all the happy times.  Sometimes it is like everyone is winning some award, or reaching some milestone or getting to go on some adventure and you might feel left behind.  Remind yourself that social media posts don’t give the whole picture.  The post may not tell you all the hours the person worked or obstacles a relationship struggled through or all someone gave up to save for their adventure.  Someone’s highlights is not the whole picture.  Even when talking with family and friends, there are likely pieces you aren’t seeing.  Focusing on what others have that you don’t, especially when you aren’t seeing the whole story is time wasted.

·         Have an abundance rather than scarcity mindset.

Focusing on what others have that you don’t is a scarcity mindset.  It is a feeling of fear that there isn’t enough to go around and somehow you are going to be left behind.  A scarcity mindset can lead to fear-based decisions and being disgruntled about all you don’t have.  Conversely, an abundance mindset is understanding that there is enough for you.  Once someone believes that what they are supposed to have they will have, the easier it is to be open to the possibilities and actually allow what is meant for you into your life.

Next time the envy train is trying to get you aboard, remember these tips!  If you’d like help living your best life, feel free to check us out at www.holdinghopeservices.org.